Civil Disputes: Arguing Innkeeper Style

Despite the fact that I love my husband, there are times I want to wring his neck. I’m sure he would say the same about me. After all, we live together and work together – we’re bound to have our differences. But, as I tell my interns, who also live and work together, it’s important to keep the fists from flying at work and to leave personal issues at home. Easier said than done. There are occasions when an argument erupts at the inn, but we have learned over the years a few rules of combat so as not to alarm our guests:

1. No yelling. Granted, “am I the only one around here who knows how to change a bloody (our English interns taught us this supposedly “bad” word) light bulb?!” holds a lot more caché when screeched across the room at full volume, but learning how to whisper-yell is key to keeping brawls under wraps. (As a side note, James is not the only one who knows how to change a bloody light bulb, but he is the best and fastest at doing the hard to reach ones, so frequently gets requests to do so. Sometimes, my timing is off.)

2. Obscene hand gestures must be disguised. Now, I can’t reveal our secret signal in case you happen to stay at the inn and notice us using it. But remember that Friends episode when they strike their fists together instead of “flipping the bird?” Something like that would suffice.

3. Fight it out in private. Designate a fighting zone at the inn, preferably a padded sound proof room far away from guests. And steer clear of the kitchen. Too many knives.

4. Agree to disagree. Generally James and I see eye to eye and work exceptionally well together. I’m assuming that’s the case for the majority of husband-wife innkeeping teams or they probably wouldn’t have attempted to go into business together. But no matter how in synch two people are, you can’t possibly agree on everything.

5. Choose your battles. I’m quite certain James had no interest whatsoever in replacing the creepy portraits that used to hang in the sitting area. But he humored me and the sitting area is now a better place because of it. Likewise, I feign concern every time he uses the phrase “fiscally responsible.”

6. Accept defeat. Two years ago, I desperately wanted to give the foyer a facelift, but my decorating argument didn’t hold much water against putting the money toward roofing work that needed to get done. As much as I hated to live another year with those creepy portraits and wallpaper which was not my personal taste, the image of a leaky ceiling in the middle of the summer was enough to shut me up. For a year anyway.

The bottom line is, arguing is to be expected and in many ways, is a good practice. We all need to clear the air and vent every now and then. But when work and home mesh into one, as is often the case for innkeepers, it’s important to lay down some ground rules…unless you want to scare away your guests! If you're considering buying and running an inn (or any business for that matter) with your spouse, here are a few articles on the subject:

How To Work (If You Must) With Your Spouse

Work & Life: Working With Your Spouse

Working With A Spouse In A Small Business Partnership

The Benefits of Working with Your Spouse

The Many Hats an Innkeeper Wears

If the following story sounds like something that might happen to you, you might be cut out for the innkeeping profession: I was in college. One night, I was chatting on the phone with my cousin, Rachel, who was also attending university. She lived in an off-campus apartment and had just welcomed a new roommate. I’ll call her Kristen. Kristen and Rachel weren’t exactly hitting it off. “For starters,” Rachel complained, “she insists that we color code our sink sponges – yellow for dishes and orange for countertops….she says it’s gross to wipe down the counters with a sponge you’re going to clean dishes with.” I feigned horror at such a proposition, but was really thinking what a brilliant idea Kristen had come up with and was adding “colored sponges” to my grocery list. Who knows what happened to Kristen, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she joined the ranks of obsessive compulsive innkeepers like me. I knew that becoming an innkeeper would only encourage this behavior. What I didn’t realize were the many other hats I’d wind up wearing – here are just a few:

Traffic Analyst – I may look like I can predict the future, but trust me, nobody, not even Sky Chopper 4 News guy can tell you exactly what time to leave to avoid any traffic. As much as I try to sidestep this question, guests always counter my “leaving in the morning is probably your best bet,” with, “so should I leave at 10:00 or are you saying I should wake up really early and leave at 8:00?” The truth is, I have no idea when accidents will happen, exactly what time construction is going on, or when every other person in the area will decide to hit the road and head home.

Handyman – Guess what? Innkeepers don’t typically have plumbers, electricians or IT consultants on their payroll. I’ve plunged many a toilet in the last five years and have even learned how to use a snake (don’t ask). I can relight the pilot on gas fireplaces, solve a lot of computer problems, and even fix the occasional broken table leg. Despite being a true “girly girl,” I now know the difference between a Phillips head and flat head screwdriver. Usually, though, I hunt James down for the maintenance issues.

Weather Forecaster – I’m happy to advise guests about typical weather patterns and temperatures during different seasons. Please bear in mind, however, that even professional weather forecasters can be completely wrong two days ahead, let alone months in advance. If I could guarantee the weather, trust me, I wouldn’t be an innkeeper.

Exterminator – One of the first investments we made after buying our second inn was a screen for the top of the chimney. If you’re serious about innkeeping, you better not be too squeamish about “nature” because you’re not going to have time to call in the pros when a raccoon finds its way down the chimney and a guest is due to check into the room any minute.

Locksmith – What happens when a lock jams on a guest’s door and you want to avoid calling in a locksmith on a Sunday when you’ll have to pay time and half? You climb through the window in a dress and fix it yourself.

Detective – I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve left items behind at hotels, in taxi cabs, and at restaurants. I’ve locked keys in my trunk, looked high and low for my watch which is on my wrist, and left the oven on overnight. I attribute being a little scatterbrained to the fact that I am running a busy inn while trying to raise a family coupled with the fact that I didn’t have the greatest short-term memory to begin with. So I am very sympathetic when a guest calls and asks me to hunt down a missing item – once I even unearthed a diamond ring from our vacuum cleaner!

Psychologist/Marriage Counselor/Referee – I really can’t divulge too much about the stories behind these hats I’ve worn. Just trust me – innkeepers are a lot like hairdressers – we listen, advise, and save marriages.

Behind the Scenes with Jill

If I had a dollar for every time a guest told me that I have her dream job, I could retire and spend the rest of my days sipping Chianti and eating too much pasta on a remote island off the coast of Sicily. I suppose that to the outsider’s eye, my job is pretty cushy. They see me working the breakfast room chatting easily about restaurants and beaches with people from all over the world. They see the gorgeous property where I have the great fortune to live, and the lavish displays of tea cakes and pastries that emerge from my kitchen day in and day out. What they don’t see is everything that goes into running, what I aim to be a seamless operation. So, in answer to the question, “what is it really like?” I will attempt through this blog to bring you behind the scenes and let you decide if my job is, indeed, your dream.

I remember years ago posing this very question to the owner of an inn where I was staying. My question was met with a patronizing chuckle and an extremely negative description of the innkeeping profession. In hindsight, I can understand his reaction. Imagine several times a week people telling you that they want your career and you know they probably have no concept of exactly how hard your daily life is. Nobody really knows what is involved in innkeeping until they do it – I know I didn’t. So, it’s tempting to share with aspiring innkeepers the story about the overflowing toilet you dealt with the night before or the last minute cancellation that is unlikely to fill. But despite all that, I love my job and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I certainly wouldn’t talk anyone out of leaving a secure job to pursue their dream, but perhaps following this blog for awhile will shed some light on what it’s really like.

I should mention, before continuing, that I cannot in good faith bare all in this blog. Perhaps someday I will publish an anonymous book with all the sordid details of certain guests’ visits. And to be honest, 95% of the guests we host are very pleasant and we would welcome back time and time again. The 5% who fuel our comical repertoire of dinner party conversation, I’ll save for a more appropriate venue.

In the meantime, this blog will share our background, our smart moves and not so smart moves, and our day to day anecdotes which make our jobs both fun and trying. I am happy to answer any questions you may have along the way, so please feel free to comment. In addition to the dialogue on this blog, about.com has a wealth of information for aspiring innkeepers on their site.